Cone Man cone-siders a weighty matter

Cone Man was not in denial about being overweight. The problem was that nobody else was in denial about him being overweight. Taciturn tactless types openly mocked Cone Man's middle aged midriff. The more inconsiderate, sadistic and masochistic went dieted and exercised themselves into revoltingly slim and athletic physiques. What had Cone Man ever done to deserve all this heartless betrayal?

Cone Man turned for reassurance to his bedroom scales. "You're 95.5 K today, fatso!" laughed his scales. "Glass scales should not live in cone men's homes, particularly if the cone men own sledgehammers" Cone Man snarled". "It will cost $59.90 to buy a set of replacement scales. If you believe that my replacement will tell you something different, smash me and get a good night's sleep. If you don't believe that, then objectively it is not my fault but yours" the scales answered back. Cone Man had to admit that under the circumstances the scales certainly had hutzpah!

The scales may have been somewhat sadistic, but the online body mass calculator was positively psychopathic, and said without a qualm: "Lose 20 k". Admittedly it was a machine designed by scientists, doctors, and physical education instructors which were professions known for attracting psychopaths, but that was beside the point.

Cone Man cone-sidered the prospect of losing 20 kilograms. He had more chance of riding around Lake Taupo in one day. He had even done so ten years before, and his weight had gone down to 82 kilograms. 20 kilograms? 44 pounds? Three stone? "Blazing cones, that's a lot of stones!" stormed Cone Man.

A stony silence settled upon Cone Man has he cone-sidered the privations of the terrible journey ahead of him if he had any hope of slaying the terrible Middle Aged Midriff Monster ...